I was on my
way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's,
(sent to me because I forwarded their e-mail to five
other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000
is "MM" in Roman Numerals), when I ran into a friend
whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from
having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried
Chicken - which is predictable, since as everyone knows,
there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken,
which is why the government made them change their name
to KFC.
Anyway, one
day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was
in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore
all over and when he got out of the tub he realized
that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his
mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use
his phone because it was connected to his computer,
and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy
his hard drive if he opened e-mail entitled "Join the
crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was
a computer programmer who was working on software to
prevent a global disaster in which all the computers
get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus
cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's
true- I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from
BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free
Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward
the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man
then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his
missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked
him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit
full access to the phone line at the guy's expense.
Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed
with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped
around a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."
Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital -
the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer
is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world
to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society
has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives.
I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of
x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it
and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have
good luck but for 10 people you will only have OK luck,
and if you send it to fewer than 0 people you will have
BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway
the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital,
but on the way he noticed another car driving without
its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights
at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.
Send
THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail
and you will receive 4 green m&ms, but if you don't
the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his
Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: You
will get cancer from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your
shampoo, your wife will develop breast cancer from using
the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your
arms, and the government will put a tax on your e-mails
forever.
I
know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.
